Lord, if You take AON away, please keep my heart joyful ... pls dont let bitterness, anger and pain stop me from loving You ... even as i ponder abt why i now find it more difficult to trust You ... like the faith in me has become cold ...i reckon its to do with something that took place in 2005 ... yup, perhaps i had heard wrongly for this broken promise ... perhaps it was sin ...perhaps it was a test from Jesus ... whatever it is, does it matter ...

to many it may not cos life goes on and its really the Lord's perogative ... BUT TO ME IT MATTERS !!!! to me i dont only want answers but i want healing ... healing that i may once again put my trust in YOU!!! i confess to You that while i hope, i now darent TRUST YOU ... I AM AFRAID AND I AM BITTER ... wld You come and touch your daughter, your bride and your friend ... would you come and heal me like you did years ago ... i truly believe that while You give, You can take away and the only choice i have is to say blessed be the name of the Lord ... yet I DONT KNOW IF IN MY HEART I WILL SAY IT ... COS I HATE BEING DISAPPOINTED AGAIN AND AGAIN!!! i hate it when my heart hurts ... i hate it when i have to let go and say God it doesnt matter - cos it does matter - or does it ... well, at the end of the day, i guess it only matters when i have made it an idol ... SO HAVE I JESUS ... does aon mean more than You ... sigh ...

Lord, tell me once more what your thots are ok ... tell me once again how to build aon ... GIVE ME THE BRAINS COS I TRULY LACK IT ... some people say its foolish of me to ask You for the blueprint but i thot we were in partnership and that i am merely the one carrying out your desire and thots ... so what's the deal .... well, if i had a choice, i wld like everyone to be a volunteer and to build it together ... that 24 7 we will have someone worshipping and we will have ongoing buffet and things will be simple!!!!! Lord, WHY CANT THIS HAPPEN ... WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED ... WHY WHY WHY ... WHY DO U HAVE TO MAKE THINGS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME ... WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME GO THROUGH ALL THESE SUFFERINGS AND PAIN!!! i know its to prepare me for end times ... BUT I SO HATE IT ... so pls show me your kindness and smile ... show me ... prove to me that I AM STILL YOUR FAVOURITE ONE ... prove to me that You still CAN DO SOMETHING ... i ask Lord - GRACE GRACE GRACE ... u say not by might, power but by Your spirit so ... DO SOMETHING LORD!!!!! hey, the going is too tough for me to handle - dont u remember that i am only a woman ... and we are of the weaker gender ... so pls break in Lord ... pls jesus cos its tooooooo trying for me ... sigh, do something tomorrow before i meet p daniel ok ... do something FAST!!! i really am getting mad and stressed up . JESUS HELP!